To-do and to-be
The return of the prodigal daughter
Every now and then I open my master to-do list and ponder all the endless things on it. There are the urgent things at the top - those usually get done, because there is no way round it. Buy new toothpaste, wash the sheets, change the standing orders (because the bills went up again).
Then there is the stuff that should really happen, but the world won’t end if it doesn’t. A lot of it starts with ‘declutter’. Declutter Zoya’s toys, declutter the art supplies cupboard, declutter all the kitchen cupboards, declutter the wardrobe, and the chest of drawers. Declutter, declutter, declutter.
Also: review if I need all the subscriptions I currently have, book an ACCA exam, book a doctor’s appointment, book an eye test, sew the button on my only good trousers, buy some new bras, shave my legs, go swimming, organise all my photos, book a blood test, make time for friends, make time for myself, make time for my husband, consolidate all my pensions, season the wok I bought four months ago.
And then, as we go further, the to-do list morphs into a pipe dream list:
write a novel, write a graphic novel, work on my portfolio, illustrate a children’s book.
And somewhere in all of this chaos of life admin and aspiration, there was
write a Substack post
And here we are, because I just really desperately wanted to tick something off.
I can’t remember how old I was when I created my very first to-do list. Maybe 9, maybe 12. I know when I was 8 I made a list of books I wanted to write. There were 30 books on it, and free space to add more as needed. Over the years there have been so many systems, bullet journals, diaries, apps, and Post-it notes. I can tell you - there is no perfect system. And as I aged the fun and ambitious things on that list got slowly replaced by the endless list of chores and errands.
Every now and then (when I get to the ‘declutter’ part of my to-do list) I find my old notebooks and scraps of paper with all the old to-dos, half ticked off. I look at the things that seemed important at the time. I get haunted by the lines that are there, year in, year out, moved from one notebook to the next on their endless, sad pilgrimage to nowhere. Creating my own children’s book is never important enough to get bumped to the top, because somehow my Tuesday is already taken up by ‘changing the batteries in the TV remote control’.
All these old lists tell me who I am, who I was, and who I wished to be. A person who needed to put small tasks on a to-do list, instead of just doing them there and then like a better adjusted adult would. A person who still wants to make something, create something, leave something behind. A person who’s frustrated with herself far too much.
I will always need a to-do list if I am to stay on top of life’s chaos, but I no longer want my to-do list to be the place where my dreams go to die. I know we procrastinate over things that truly matter - there is a lot riding on those ambitious projects. Failure could mean a complete identity collapse.
Maybe I could revisit all these old to-dos and distill from them what it is I truly want from life, sift through what is important and what is noise. Then choose my battles accordingly.
FROM MY SKETCHBOOK:
The last few months have been very thin on the ground when it comes to artistic creation, but here is another instalment for my Inktober 2023 (!) which turned into just a series of illustrations of my daughter doing fun or funny things. I am not particularly pleased with the value distribution here, there is one black splotch at the top, and otherwise just light mid-tones. It doesn’t make this picture very visually clear. (Just in case you wanted to provide some feedback, you see, I had already provided myself with feedback).
Always waiting for your next post, so I am a bit disappointed it was that short. I need more of your writing!! :)
First of all, I want to say: I know your struggle, I am the same with to-do lists and endless tasks that are coming up.
BUT: last couple of years I realised the tasks will never finish, but the life is short, so YOU define YOUR priorities!
I always wanted to write a book, so I finally signed up for a yearly writing program in 2024 and I decided it's my sacred hours to listen to the lectures and do all the exercises that would make me a writer. I had a real writer as curator and we had 5 meetings during that year. And you know what? I realised I have this beautiful dream sitting in a coffee shop, writing a book and doing book presentations in front of my lovely readers. It turned out writing a book is really really hard, and the result in terms of money, fame or whatever I wanted to get from it is not worth my time investment (in my case). So I tried this path, and I am happy now I ticked it of from my dream list, because it turned out, it doesn't align with my goals for this life. So, maybe in the next one..
I always wanted to have my own business, and not depend on employment. I tried to do some businesses in my 20s, which were pretty ok, but not that exciting, then corpo career took over my dream about being successful businesswoman, but in November 2025 I decided I can't postpone my dream to have a business any more. I have a demanding job, family, important to me sport activities, so I do not have a lot of time to spend on building my business, but what I decided is that the amount of time doesn't matter, consistency - does. So now I spend at least 15 minutes every day on building what I decided to build - and yes, the business will not launch tomorrow, but eventually it will launch. We are in June and it is going through last touches, so I know I will do it soon.
Every day I woke up with a thought, that me in FUTURE reflects on what I am doing TODAY. So am I doing the things toward my dream life today, or I am just dragged into the life events? That really helps me to do better choices with my time (not always, obviously :D, sometimes I allow myself to actually forget about all tasks and enjoy the beautiful weather on my terrace with a glass of lemonade).
Too much about me, but all I wanted to say - dedicate at least 15 minutes every day towards one of your item on the dream list, this will help you move either towards your dream life or tick that dream off from your list :)
I know this struggle well! 😅 Believe me, you're not the only one with notebooks full of old to-dos that never got done. One day, we'll find the system that works for us, but until then we just gotta keep trying, keep making stuff every chance we get. ✨